"I'm just tired," three words that I have uttered at least 50 times within the past month and half. The reality is I am tired, mentally and emotionally. I don't know how I feel or where my mental state should be. I feel I was on auto function through my uncle's funeral and I was just the anchor that kept everyone else afloat. I still don't feel as if it was real. I feel like i'm going to get that call and he is going to make a retarded joke or i'm going to call him an idiot. Logically, I know he is dead. I know that there will be no one to take me fishing or make retarded jokes. The man who taught me how to ride a bike, how to swim and took me in when no one could take care of me is dead. I'm suppose to have moved on. I'm suppose to have grieved but I haven't and I just feel so alone. I don't want to be out and I don't want to socialize. It's hard for me because I feel so guilty because I don't remember the last time we spoke nor do I remember the last time he called me Bear or patronized me for the silliest thing.


      I don't know how to get better. I don't know what's wrong. I feel guilty because there is so much I should have said but didn't. I feel guilty because he is just gone. I don't even know why. I know that it really doesn't matter now. He is dead. He doesn't care but I do. I care too much and I don't know how to express it. He was the only male figure I had growing up and as much as it made me sick to hear his wife say they inherited me. He took me with him everywhere because I was his niece and he loved me in his own weird way. At the end of the day, I know I'm not getting over this. I'm different. I don't know how to take care of myself because i'm so used to taking care of everyone else and not worrying about me.


      I'm just lost and floating. I have got nothing. I don't know how to cope but what I do know is...that this entire experience has made me realize who is worth keeping in my life and who isn't. If you lost touch with me, it's because I can't handle what's going on in my head. It's rare for me to not know what to do. I'm the Queen of plans but this isn't something you can plan. I'm not good at grieving. I'm basically forcing myself to be somewhat normal. I'm not sure that's working as much anymore because I'm currently sitting in my bed listening to Linkin Park. I know I should get out there but I just can't.


      I'm good at plans. My uncle's sudden heart attack has put me into planning and fixing mode. I'm finalizing my life insurance and getting my living will together. I'm trying to be ready, just in case anything happens to me. The last thing I want is for my mother to have to worry about all this stuff because she won't be able too. She doesn't handle stress well nor do I think she could handle doing this for a second child. This all seems so wrong because the reason I finally did it was because my Uncle died. I guess this has all made me want to change my life. Out with the negative, in with the positive and more running. I should probably get out of bed and stop drinking tea like a Grandma.


      RIP to my Uncle Michael Thank you for shaping who I am today and teaching me to never take shit from anyone.

I'm my own superhero.

"There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept,

things we don’t want to know but have to learn,

and people we can’t live without but have to let go.”