It’s been a while since I even thought I had something to write about. I guess I have been trying not to write because if I’m writing I’m feeling something. Trying not to have any feelings towards anything is my specialty but even for me it’s not always easy. A very good friend of mine is being deployed to Afghanistan in less than a day and I’m utterly destroyed about it. Which I really shouldn't be because I’m not romantically involved with him in anyway and that’s the story I like to stick too. However, it’s not completely true. I’m pretty sure anyone who knows me knows that it is complete and utter bullshit. His mom called me out on it. His bloody mother said that we have the longest long distance romance/friendship. Can people not tell me I have certain feelings when I’m completely unready to admit such things? Let’s be real, I will never be ready to admit it. I don’t want to be in love with someone who is in the military. It seems like an all-around bad idea for me.
Truthfully though, it’s probably true. I run away from him at the drop of a hat and somehow we always wind up right back in the same position with me starting to catch feelings…him already having them and me running away once those feelings are caught. It’s a never ending cycle between us but the cycle can’t work right now because he is going to Afghanistan. Which I’m totally thrilled about, I mean who wouldn't be thrilled that the person they have all these feelings for is going across the world basically? It shouldn’t bother me because as it is we aren't even relatively close to each other. In fact, he is in bloody North Dakota and I’m in New York. The thought of him in Afghanistan makes me sick to my stomach. At least, North Dakota is in the same country and I could call him whenever I want. I’m pretty sure I can’t do that.
It’s just hard for me to imagine him in any hostile areas. This is the kid who brought me coffee at 4 in the morning just because he wanted to see me. This is the same guy who still likes me after seeing me with insane bed head, smeared makeup and my glasses. I fell for him because of it and it is terrifying for me to imagine him in harm’s way. I try really hard not to think about him. I literally try to distract myself with other people. Isn’t that terrible? That I’m so wrapped up in one person that I literally will search for someone to make me forget him? Well, it never works….EVER. In fact, I end up honeymooning. Things will go great and weeks will pass but one text from him sends me right back where I start…forever re-catching feelings.
I was just talking to him about law schools and it always amazes me that he is the only one who would be happy if I got into Notre Dame. Really, he just gets so happy and says that I have to go there. I WOULD LOVE TO GO THERE but there is the lame ass part of me that wants to go somewhere close to him and I’m utterly ashamed of those feelings. I shouldn’t have them. I really shouldn’t. I don’t want to have them but I do. It’s bad enough that his mom keeps telling me to tell him. Tell him what exactly? Oh, I think I fell in love with you when you still liked me after seeing my bed head and you knew me well enough to know how I take my coffee. What exactly should I be telling him? None of that seem likes something I should be saying. Not now and not ever because there is no hope for this. The worst feeling is: Loving someone and knowing you can never be with them. Timing is such a terrible thing.
I don’t know what to do. It just seems to be getting worse especially since I think he feels the same way about me. We FaceTimed and we talked about everything other than the fact he is leaving. I could literally talk to him about everything and anything. He promised to write me a letter…and he said he is going to put sand in it. I hate him but god damn it I love this silly boy. I love his family too. His mom is the best. She and I text all the time, it’s absolutely ridiculous especially since all she does is encourage me loving him. Gosh darn woman doesn’t understand how hard this is. I don’t want this. He isn’t even mine but he really is mine.
I have been encouraged to start drinking more water and running a mile a day so I guess I’ll do that. I need anything to distract me and this person has been more than supportive with my rants about everything as of late. So I trust them on their advice. It’s time to focus on bettering myself and make my makeup collection amazing basically. The only reason I am as sane as I am right now is because I have good people in my life. Really, without my good friends. I'd have lost my shit and become a complete alchy but that's just not what I want out of life. They are always there to remind me why I do the things I do and why I'm so determined to do them. I love this boy but I'm also in love with my future and how I want it to be. My friends remind me that I have so many things to look forward too. So I'm not going to dwell on this. When I get a letter, I'll probably blog about it but other than that. There will be no dwelling, just acceptance and moving on.
