Try to be perfect, try to be the smartest, try to be the prettiest...how I often do people tell you to try harder? How often do they tell they you need to strive to be better than what you already are? I hear it every damn day. Honestly, everyday. Someone is always there telling me what I am doing is not good enough. Oh, your GPA isn't good enough. Oh Amanda, are you really going to wear that? Jesus, do people ever stop being shallow?
The reality is everyone is shallow. No matter what people say, they are judging you. Sometimes people just expect way too much. I will never be the prettiest, I will never be the smartest and I will never be perfect. I will always try to do my best but sometimes even trying so damn hard to meet expectations is tiring. I set out this semester wanting a 4.0. I wanted it so much I blocked out everything else. The odds are I won't get it. By blocking out everything else, I refused to see how tired I was making myself just studying and never sleeping. I got an 89 on an exam. Normal people would be like YES, that's great. I was disappointed in myself. I was angry at myself...over an 89. How stupid is that?
Looking at it now, maybe that 89 was a blessing in disguise because now I see that killing myself over GPA isn't worth it. I will never stop trying to do my best because that's really just the person I am but I refuse to listen to criticism that isn't constructive. Criticism can be good but sometimes it really isn't. Sometimes it is downright hurtful. I know some people don't mean to be condescending or hurtful...but they are. I refuse to let any of that affect me anymore.
I like who I am and honestly don't care if anyone else does so I'm tired of hearing the oh Amanda, if you changed speech. Fuck that, I don't want to change. I'm perfect okay with my adequate looks, my imperfections and being average. I'm okay with it. I accept who I am and I honestly get tired of why don't you try harder? I am trying, trying to accept and love myself but people just make it so hard. I like who I am even if I am insecure about it. Honestly though, who isn't insecure about themselves?
