Relationships are hard. To build a relationship with someone is one of the hardest things to do because slowly you have to learn to accept and love all their flaws. I never indulge anyone in their attempts to better understand me or develop a relationship with me. I never thought someone could ease into my life so fast and skillfully but this guy just did. I found myself talking to him every day. Texting constantly, skyping...the whole nine and suddenly we were on a date. That date was just cute. We went to the NHL store, we walked in a park and we went to a comic book store. He was wonderful. I let that boy kiss me in one my favorite places. Once I left him in Penn station, I was smitten. I told every boy I was talking to that I was not interested. I cleared the roster for this guy. He was wonderful and that’s it. Nothing more than that, I did not have some grand love. I had one great date.

     Weirdly enough, this has nothing to do with him. He was just the guy that made me see it. Every girl no matter what they say or do wants to fall in love. The idea of love keeps people up at night, pondering whether the person they love loves them. I was never in love with this kid. I truly wasn't but the idea of someone caring about me to the point they could possibly love me was nice to even flirt with. In fact, he was the nicest boy I have ever had the privilege of talking too. However, no matter how much I sit and dissect that flirtation of wanting to be in a relationship, I can't fully understand why I wanted it. The words safe and comfortable come to mind.It is a mystery. I never wanted such a thing before I had a chance to have it. That boy was everything you could possibly want to love. Yet, I never had a chance to love him. I think that’s what bothers me the most. How can you possibly be suddenly okay with not texting a person you talked to everyday?

     Again, this boy was great but his actions? Confusing. I guess my point is that while I know relationships aren’t easy, they sure as hell aren’t any easier to start. Respect people enough to not play games with them. I have never in my life been more confused by someone’s actions. I honestly haven’t. I’m pretty sure that for days, I wondered if maybe I wasn’t pretty enough. Maybe I wasn’t funny enough. Maybe the fact I was honest about everything made him not want me. The shittest feeling in the world is not feeling good enough. At the end, of the day it truly doesn’t matter because he isn’t in my life.

      All of this just made me come to my own realizations that relationships with people are hard. If someone wants to be in your life, they will. No, if, ands or buts that person will make sure they are your life. Those are the people you cherish. Instead, of sitting and craving a person I couldn’t have…I’m going to be happy with the people I do. I’m going to give up on people who don’t put forth the effort.

     It is okay to let people go and it is okay to give up on people. It doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you smart enough to realize that your time is better off invested in someone who doesn’t make you wonder if you are worthy of their attention or not. I know for a fact that I should not have to chase someone to be in my life and I won’t. Forget them, because if they were truly someone you could love…you would know by their actions. I don’t want to be in love with idea of love. Sometimes I honestly feel that is exactly what people are…in love with being in love and not the actual person.

     The reality is I hope some girl makes that kid happy. I truly do. He needs someone to love him and accept everything he has to offer. While it saddens me, I won’t be that girl...I do want him to be happy because everyone deserves a little happiness in their lives. No one should want a grandiose love because that isn’t love. Crave a love that is real, honest and loyal. I know those are qualities that are rare these days so be careful. Don’t be in love with who you wish they were because they will never be that person. I will always walk through Penn station and think of him but I won’t want to be with him. Things just aren’t always meant to be and some things are better left as good memories.


     P.S. Be careful who you let into your life because while this boy was great…I was still left with feelings of inadequacies because there was so much left unsaid. Sometimes the best thing to do is just say something. The truth hurts but it’s better than being left in the dark.

I'm my own superhero.

"There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept,

things we don’t want to know but have to learn,

and people we can’t live without but have to let go.”