"I'm just tired," three words that I have uttered at least 50 times within the past month and half. The reality is I am tired, mentally and emotionally. I don't know how I feel or where my mental state should be. I feel I was on auto function through my uncle's funeral and I was just the anchor that kept everyone else afloat. I still don't feel as if it was real. I feel like i'm going to get that call and he is going to make a retarded joke or i'm going to call him an idiot. Logically, I know he is dead. I know that there will be no one to take me fishing or make retarded jokes. The man who taught me how to ride a bike, how to swim and took me in when no one could take care of me is dead. I'm suppose to have moved on. I'm suppose to have grieved but I haven't and I just feel so alone. I don't want to be out and I don't want to socialize. It's hard for me because I feel so guilty because I don't remember the last time we spoke nor do I remember the last time he called me Bear or patronized me for the silliest thing.


      I don't know how to get better. I don't know what's wrong. I feel guilty because there is so much I should have said but didn't. I feel guilty because he is just gone. I don't even know why. I know that it really doesn't matter now. He is dead. He doesn't care but I do. I care too much and I don't know how to express it. He was the only male figure I had growing up and as much as it made me sick to hear his wife say they inherited me. He took me with him everywhere because I was his niece and he loved me in his own weird way. At the end of the day, I know I'm not getting over this. I'm different. I don't know how to take care of myself because i'm so used to taking care of everyone else and not worrying about me.


      I'm just lost and floating. I have got nothing. I don't know how to cope but what I do know is...that this entire experience has made me realize who is worth keeping in my life and who isn't. If you lost touch with me, it's because I can't handle what's going on in my head. It's rare for me to not know what to do. I'm the Queen of plans but this isn't something you can plan. I'm not good at grieving. I'm basically forcing myself to be somewhat normal. I'm not sure that's working as much anymore because I'm currently sitting in my bed listening to Linkin Park. I know I should get out there but I just can't.


      I'm good at plans. My uncle's sudden heart attack has put me into planning and fixing mode. I'm finalizing my life insurance and getting my living will together. I'm trying to be ready, just in case anything happens to me. The last thing I want is for my mother to have to worry about all this stuff because she won't be able too. She doesn't handle stress well nor do I think she could handle doing this for a second child. This all seems so wrong because the reason I finally did it was because my Uncle died. I guess this has all made me want to change my life. Out with the negative, in with the positive and more running. I should probably get out of bed and stop drinking tea like a Grandma.


      RIP to my Uncle Michael Thank you for shaping who I am today and teaching me to never take shit from anyone.

      It’s been a while since I even thought I had something to write about. I guess I have been trying not to write because if I’m writing I’m feeling something. Trying not to have any feelings towards anything is my specialty but even for me it’s not always easy. A very good friend of mine is being deployed to Afghanistan in less than a day and I’m utterly destroyed about it. Which I really shouldn't be because I’m not romantically involved with him in anyway and that’s the story I like to stick too. However, it’s not completely true. I’m pretty sure anyone who knows me knows that it is complete and utter bullshit. His mom called me out on it. His bloody mother said that we have the longest long distance romance/friendship. Can people not tell me I have certain feelings when I’m completely unready to admit such things? Let’s be real, I will never be ready to admit it. I don’t want to be in love with someone who is in the military. It seems like an all-around bad idea for me.


     Truthfully though, it’s probably true. I run away from him at the drop of a hat and somehow we always wind up right back in the same position with me starting to catch feelings…him already having them and me running away once those feelings are caught. It’s a never ending cycle between us but the cycle can’t work right now because he is going to Afghanistan. Which I’m totally thrilled about, I mean who wouldn't be thrilled that the person they have all these feelings for is going across the world basically? It shouldn’t bother me because as it is we aren't even relatively close to each other. In fact, he is in bloody North Dakota and I’m in New York. The thought of him in Afghanistan makes me sick to my stomach. At least, North Dakota is in the same country and I could call him whenever I want. I’m pretty sure I can’t do that.


     It’s just hard for me to imagine him in any hostile areas. This is the kid who brought me coffee at 4 in the morning just because he wanted to see me. This is the same guy who still likes me after seeing me with insane bed head, smeared makeup and my glasses. I fell for him because of it and it is terrifying for me to imagine him in harm’s way. I try really hard not to think about him. I literally try to distract myself with other people. Isn’t that terrible? That I’m so wrapped up in one person that I literally will search for someone to make me forget him? Well, it never works….EVER. In fact, I end up honeymooning. Things will go great and weeks will pass but one text from him sends me right back where I start…forever re-catching feelings.


     I was just talking to him about law schools and it always amazes me that he is the only one who would be happy if I got into Notre Dame. Really, he just gets so happy and says that I have to go there. I WOULD LOVE TO GO THERE but there is the lame ass part of me that wants to go somewhere close to him and I’m utterly ashamed of those feelings. I shouldn’t have them. I really shouldn’t. I don’t want to have them but I do. It’s bad enough that his mom keeps telling me to tell him. Tell him what exactly? Oh, I think I fell in love with you when you still liked me after seeing my bed head and you knew me well enough to know how I take my coffee. What exactly should I be telling him? None of that seem likes something I should be saying. Not now and not ever because there is no hope for this. The worst feeling is: Loving someone and knowing you can never be with them. Timing is such a terrible thing.


     I don’t know what to do. It just seems to be getting worse especially since I think he feels the same way about me. We FaceTimed and we talked about everything other than the fact he is leaving. I could literally talk to him about everything and anything. He promised to write me a letter…and he said he is going to put sand in it. I hate him but god damn it I love this silly boy. I love his family too. His mom is the best. She and I text all the time, it’s absolutely ridiculous especially since all she does is encourage me loving him. Gosh darn woman doesn’t understand how hard this is. I don’t want this. He isn’t even mine but he really is mine.


     I have been encouraged to start drinking more water and running a mile a day so I guess I’ll do that. I need anything to distract me and this person has been more than supportive with my rants about everything as of late. So I trust them on their advice. It’s time to focus on bettering myself and make my makeup collection amazing basically. The only reason I am as sane as I am right now is because I have good people in my life. Really, without my good friends. I'd have lost my shit and become a complete alchy but that's just not what I want out of life. They are always there to remind me why I do the things I do and why I'm so determined to do them. I love this boy but I'm also in love with my future and how I want it to be. My friends remind me that I have so many things to look forward too. So I'm not going to dwell on this. When I get a letter, I'll probably blog about it but other than that. There will be no dwelling, just acceptance and moving on.

     Try to be perfect, try to be the smartest, try to be the prettiest...how I often do people tell you to try harder? How often do they tell they you need to strive to be better than what you already are? I hear it every damn day. Honestly, everyday. Someone is always there telling me what I am doing is not good enough. Oh, your GPA isn't good enough. Oh Amanda, are you really going to wear that? Jesus, do people ever stop being shallow?


     The reality is everyone is shallow. No matter what people say, they are judging you. Sometimes people just expect way too much. I will never be the prettiest, I will never be the smartest and I will never be perfect. I will always try to do my best but sometimes even trying so damn hard to meet expectations is tiring. I set out this semester wanting a 4.0. I wanted it so much I blocked out everything else. The odds are I won't get it. By blocking out everything else, I refused to see how tired I was making myself just studying and never sleeping. I got an 89 on an exam. Normal people would be like YES, that's great. I was disappointed in myself. I was angry at myself...over an 89. How stupid is that?


      Looking at it now, maybe that 89 was a blessing in disguise because now I see that killing myself over GPA isn't worth it. I will never stop trying to do my best because that's really just the person I am but I refuse to listen to criticism that isn't constructive. Criticism can be good but sometimes it really isn't. Sometimes it is downright hurtful. I know some people don't mean to be condescending or hurtful...but they are. I refuse to let any of that affect me anymore.


      I like who I am and honestly don't care if anyone else does so I'm tired of hearing the oh Amanda, if you changed speech. Fuck that, I don't want to change. I'm perfect okay with my adequate looks, my imperfections and being average. I'm okay with it. I accept who I am and I honestly get tired of why don't you try harder? I am trying, trying to accept and love myself but people just make it so hard. I like who I am even if I am insecure about it. Honestly though, who isn't insecure about themselves?





I needed a rant.

     Relationships are hard. To build a relationship with someone is one of the hardest things to do because slowly you have to learn to accept and love all their flaws. I never indulge anyone in their attempts to better understand me or develop a relationship with me. I never thought someone could ease into my life so fast and skillfully but this guy just did. I found myself talking to him every day. Texting constantly, skyping...the whole nine and suddenly we were on a date. That date was just cute. We went to the NHL store, we walked in a park and we went to a comic book store. He was wonderful. I let that boy kiss me in one my favorite places. Once I left him in Penn station, I was smitten. I told every boy I was talking to that I was not interested. I cleared the roster for this guy. He was wonderful and that’s it. Nothing more than that, I did not have some grand love. I had one great date.

     Weirdly enough, this has nothing to do with him. He was just the guy that made me see it. Every girl no matter what they say or do wants to fall in love. The idea of love keeps people up at night, pondering whether the person they love loves them. I was never in love with this kid. I truly wasn't but the idea of someone caring about me to the point they could possibly love me was nice to even flirt with. In fact, he was the nicest boy I have ever had the privilege of talking too. However, no matter how much I sit and dissect that flirtation of wanting to be in a relationship, I can't fully understand why I wanted it. The words safe and comfortable come to mind.It is a mystery. I never wanted such a thing before I had a chance to have it. That boy was everything you could possibly want to love. Yet, I never had a chance to love him. I think that’s what bothers me the most. How can you possibly be suddenly okay with not texting a person you talked to everyday?

     Again, this boy was great but his actions? Confusing. I guess my point is that while I know relationships aren’t easy, they sure as hell aren’t any easier to start. Respect people enough to not play games with them. I have never in my life been more confused by someone’s actions. I honestly haven’t. I’m pretty sure that for days, I wondered if maybe I wasn’t pretty enough. Maybe I wasn’t funny enough. Maybe the fact I was honest about everything made him not want me. The shittest feeling in the world is not feeling good enough. At the end, of the day it truly doesn’t matter because he isn’t in my life.

      All of this just made me come to my own realizations that relationships with people are hard. If someone wants to be in your life, they will. No, if, ands or buts that person will make sure they are your life. Those are the people you cherish. Instead, of sitting and craving a person I couldn’t have…I’m going to be happy with the people I do. I’m going to give up on people who don’t put forth the effort.

     It is okay to let people go and it is okay to give up on people. It doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you smart enough to realize that your time is better off invested in someone who doesn’t make you wonder if you are worthy of their attention or not. I know for a fact that I should not have to chase someone to be in my life and I won’t. Forget them, because if they were truly someone you could love…you would know by their actions. I don’t want to be in love with idea of love. Sometimes I honestly feel that is exactly what people are…in love with being in love and not the actual person.

     The reality is I hope some girl makes that kid happy. I truly do. He needs someone to love him and accept everything he has to offer. While it saddens me, I won’t be that girl...I do want him to be happy because everyone deserves a little happiness in their lives. No one should want a grandiose love because that isn’t love. Crave a love that is real, honest and loyal. I know those are qualities that are rare these days so be careful. Don’t be in love with who you wish they were because they will never be that person. I will always walk through Penn station and think of him but I won’t want to be with him. Things just aren’t always meant to be and some things are better left as good memories.


     P.S. Be careful who you let into your life because while this boy was great…I was still left with feelings of inadequacies because there was so much left unsaid. Sometimes the best thing to do is just say something. The truth hurts but it’s better than being left in the dark.

I'm my own superhero.

"There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept,

things we don’t want to know but have to learn,

and people we can’t live without but have to let go.”